The Journey So Far

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about trauma and mental health. I’ve spent a lot of time talking about it, writing about it. I wrote a memoir. I started editing the memoir. And then it all felt wrong. To have to edit 300 pages to methodically relive the trauma, and try to give the emotional rawness that the story, the readers, the other trauma survivors deserve became paralyzing.

And then one day, when it hurt so bad, when I doubted who I was and whether or not I should just try to blend in with everyone else and stop fighting for the things that mattered to me, I put out the most honest thing I have ever written.

And then I posted it on social media for my many followers to read. I don’t know why I did that. And it didn’t feel good. I exposed a deep and open wound, and I let people who knew me, people who only know me in a professional setting, and who-knows-who-else read my soul.

I’m not a risk-taker. I’m shy. I’m afraid of rejection. I don’t let people get close to me. And there I was, naked in front of the world. But then something happened. Quiet conversations. Tears. Acceptance of who I was and what I was feeling. And I remembered what a friend and fellow trauma survivor told me: “Bekah, we share our stories not for us, but because it invites others to share their stories too.” And that’s why I’m doing this.

I’m doing this even though it terrifies me, because I know what it feels like to go through trauma in isolation. I know what it feels like to think that no one understands me. I know what it feels like when I realized that everyone who experiences trauma, understands the depths. There’s a connectedness that can’t be replicated. Everyone’s trauma will look different, but there are no borders to the feelings we feel, and the everyday experiences that have changed as a result of that trauma.

It’s not about big trauma or little trauma. It’s trauma. So this will be about my experience, my story. It’ll be about what trauma feels like for me. It will be about the people who have helped me through trauma. It’ll be about the things I learn as it still affects me. And it might turn into something different or bigger. I don’t know. But I know it’ll grow with me, and these first steps are going to be hard. And although I don’t have comments enabled right now, I’m happy to hear from you through the contact form. You’ll get me. Where I am today. Where I was yesterday. Me with my beautiful scars.